Gut Wrenching

So I am knee deep in crying it out with my little guy.  I have tried so many approaches to his night wakings.  Different awake times, different soothing methods, different nap strategies - you name it.  Pick up/ Put down, shhh pat, putting down drowsy but awake... nothing has worked for us. I have even hovered over him like a maniac and tried to jiggle him through his sleep transitions. Call me Amanda Bynes.
For the record, I also want to point out that I'm not dealing with a baby who wakes once or twice at night.  This is a baby who wakes every 45 minutes.  So right now I am writing thoughts out into cyberspace to keep my mind from my crying baby (who I am home alone with right now).
This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I feel like I might throw up.  I know that having a little boy who is happy and well rested is well worth what I'm going through, and that it's probably harder on me than it is on him, and that's why I've decided to cave and go for the approach I told myself I would never do.  And as I type - he has just fallen asleep.  I can hear him sniffling through the monitor.  Those sniffles you do when you have cried so hard and have nothing left.  I can honestly say that being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done and teaching my son to sleep, which is for his own benefit, has officially broken me. My sniffles now match his.  But I know that tomorrow he will wake up smiling and well rested and be a happier healthier boy because of this. Hopefully tomorrow night is so much easier.

SLEEP please.... SLEEP

The battle of the Catnap/ Crib transition/ Mind *#&$

For all you moms out there who have sleeping babies, count your lucky stars! My baby has been a rough sleeper from the start.  Not only was he unfortunate enough to have reflux, he is the type that if there is the slightest ounce of discomfort, will wake up every 30 minutes! Sleep in the car you say? NOPE. Sleep in a carrier? NOPE...there are no guarantee's with this child.
Once when he refused to nap we took him on an hour car ride to visit relatives thinking he would fall asleep along the way.  NOPE. He literally went ALL day without a nap at that point.  We walked him around in the stroller and nothing.  Drove an hour home and nothing.
We ended up finding what we call "baby crack".  It's a Rock N Play we bought in the States (not available here in Canada) made by Fisher Price and his naps went to a whole 45 minutes and he ended up sleeping at night (with two wake ups for feeds).  It has the incline of a car seat which seemed to make him comfortable even when his reflux was at it's worst. This was magic for us! Two wake-ups a night made us feel like we had been on vacation for two weeks! And now, as all good things come to an end, our 6 month old is now sitting up and almost throwing himself out of this thing so into the crib it is and up every 45 minutes we are.  Oy.
We have tried a high incline with a wedge, books, a pillow under the mattress, positioning him with rolled up towels under the sheet, completely flat with nothing, completely flat with rolled up towels under the sheet, tummy sleeping (he's strong enough to roll over), side sleeping, you name it.  Some nights he surprises us and sleeps a whole two hours at a time.  Some nights he is up every time you place him down. Some night's he sleeps for half an hour. We are tired! Please tell me this gets better?  I am single handedly keeping Tassimo in business... those t-discs save my life every. single. day.  And when I think I'm at my whits end... I see this

and all is right in the world!

There's this boy... He calls me Mommy

You were born with a full head of hair on a rainy November night. We had been waiting for you for so long. November 9th was my due date and sure enough, my water broke on that day, at 4:00 in the morning. Your dad was so excited he jumped out of bed and started running around the house. I told him to call the hospital and let them know we were on our way and he shouted into the phone "my wife's water is broken!!".  The nurses and I both laughed and we were told to take our time, have breakfast and of course we had to wait for Gamma to arrive before we left. We couldn't wait to meet you.
Labour lasted 22 hours - but it flew by. Time was non-existent. I laboured in the bath, walked the halls, grabbed onto your daddy and he helped me through every contraction. It was painful but each time I thought I couldn't take it, I remembered I was one step closer to you. It was almost midnight by the time I was ready to push. I remember your dad was so excited when he realized your birthday was 10-11-12.  At 1:46 am you arrived welcomed by two nurses, Dr. Wilkinson, your Gamma, dad and me. They put you right on my chest and I snuggled you with tears in my eyes saying "my baby!"  Gamma kept yelling "Hi Jackson" and daddy was bawling his eyes out. You were safe, healthy and ours and we were so elated. First your dad and I had each other, then we had you, and now we have everything.